Pain Management Tip: Dress for the Occasion

Have you ever noticed a connection between the clothes you wear and your pain levels on a given day?  Do heavy coats or tight shirts affect your posture and increase pain?  Maybe tighter pants make it hard to sit right, or a skirt affects your stride, causing the pain to increase.  It might be helpful for you to take notice of the how your wardrobe affects your pain.

Tip:  Dress for the occasion.

I don't mean that you have to give up on looking fashionable if you want to be comfortable; you don't need to give up jeans for sweats.  All I'm saying is that if your clothes affect your pain levels, you can think ahead based on your plans for the day, and dress accordingly.  You are a human being, and you can think through a problem and find a helpful solution. 

My Experience:  I've noticed a few connections between my clothing and my pain levels.  For example, if I wear a heavy coat while shopping, I'm done for.  Searing pain begins to afflict my upper back within just a few minutes.  I end up being so distracted by the pain that I flee the store, vowing to only shop online from that day forward.  Carrying a purse has a similar effect.  So, I've learned to leave my coat in the car, even on cold days, and carry my wallet in the pocket of my jeans when I shop.  That eliminates both the coat and the purse and generally means I have more stamina to pay attention to what I'm looking at and to shop wisely, rather than making regrettable purchases just to get out of the store quickly. 

Shoes are another important piece of this puzzle.  If you have chronic pain problems, you have probably noticed that sensible, comfortable shoes make a big difference.  If I am attending a somewhat fancy event, I'll still try to wear the most comfortable, supportive shoes I can pull off for the occasion.  

In general, I try to wear long shirts that are somewhat loose fitting around the middle.  I'm not talking about baggy clothes, just slightly loose.  If a shirt is too short - meaning that when I sit or stoop or stretch it shows skin - I'm too self-conscious to move comfortably.  If it is too tight, it restricts my movement a little.  But if it's just the right length, and just the right looseness, I can unselfconsciously sit, stand, stoop, stretch, reach, etc in movements that are natural for my body.  This is especially helpful if I need to stretch or reposition myself in order to ameliorate pain episodes.

So think this through.  You may never have noticed a connection between your clothes and your pain.  Maybe it's time to start paying attention to this to see if it can help you lessen your pain problem, even just a little.

Disclaimer:  The Pain Management Tips in this blog are merely ideas and observations from my personal experience of chronic pain and pain management.  I hope my ideas and experience can help you, but I'm not an expert, and really I'm in no position to be giving advice.  Talk to a doctor or pain psychologist for more trustworthy input.  

Pain Management Tip: Keep Warm

It is, perhaps, an appropriate time to note that it is frigid outside these days.  We're expecting a low of -9º F tonight, windchill closer to -20º.  

My pain is mostly in my muscles.  And let me tell ya, my muscles don't like to be cold.  So today's tip is simple:

Tip:  Keep warm!

Shivering (as I'm sure you've noticed) is a response to the cold which involves your muscles tensing and shaking to keep your vital organs warm.  In that sense, shivering is good.  But, if you're like me, you don't need any more tension in your muscles.  So put on a sweater!  Wrap yourself in blankets when you're sitting and reading on the couch.  Drink some tea.  

My Experience:  I'm a total miser when it comes to heating my apartment.  I'm one of those people who thinks that the thermostat should never exceed 65º in winter.  This condition, known as "Thermostat Naziism," means that I am cold a lot.  And that's bad for my pain.  

So what do I do?  Well, I wear extra layers if I'm just going to be sitting around the house.  I find that if I'm active in the kitchen I can get by with a t-shirt and sweatshirt.  But if I'm just sitting I might need more.  I often wrap myself in a blanket if I'm going to be reading or writing for a while.  And I always drink lots of hot beverages.  

Also, heating pads can help a lot.  The negative side of using a heating pad in the winter is that when you take the heat away from your relaxed muscles, they end up feeling colder than they would have if you'd never used heat.  Kind of like how my grandmother used to yell at me for sitting too near to the wood stove.  She'd say, "You're gonna get cold!"  It never made sense to me that sitting near a heat source would make me cold, but she was right.  As soon as you step away, the normal temperature of the room feels frigid. 

Hot showers also help in extreme circumstances, or baths.  However, these come with the same drawbacks as the thermostat and the heating pad.  On one hand, you're wasting water, on the other hand you're gonna be cold when you get out.  

So, just bundle up and have some tea.  Keep those muscles warm so they don't freak out.

Disclaimer:  The Pain Management Tips in this blog are merely ideas and observations from my personal experience of chronic pain and pain management.  I hope my ideas and experience can help you, but I'm not an expert, and really I'm in no position to be giving advice.  Talk to a doctor or pain psychologist for more trustworthy input.  

A Floor with a View

Hanging out with some friends a few days ago, I was asked how I like my apartment after a year occupying these two rooms.  I spoke of the space as if it were my soul mate.  I love this place.  The walls, the floors, the kitchen, and most of all, I love the ceiling in the living room.  This comment about loving the ceiling triggered a round of uproarious laughter from my friends. 

I forget sometimes that a lot of people probably can't relate to what is a hugely consistent element of my daily life: spending significant amounts of time lying on the floor.  For many years I have pondered the paint cracks, discolorations, and textures of the ceilings of the many places I've lived.  One gets pretty well acquainted with these things after a few hours of staring every day.  It's a big part of my life.  So of course, it's nice that I now have a nice view from the floor.

It seems strange to me that anyone could live in a place and fail to think about the ceiling a lot.  That's as strange sounding to me as loving my ceiling must have sounded to my friends that night.  

 

Oh, well.  For now, I'm enjoying the view.  Simple pleasures often carry me through the rougher moments of this life with chronic pain.

Quitter Chronicles: Installment #5 : Early Impressions

A few days ago at work, one of my coworkers offered me one of those Danish butter cookies that come in the blue tins.  When I turned it down, she said, “Too fattening?”  I replied, “No, I actually don’t eat sugar anymore.”  She laughed at me and kept saying she was sorry, as if I’d made a terrible choice to amputate all joy from life.  In my heart I retorted, “No, I’m sorry for you.”

With the exception of some small mishaps wherein I had to eat infinitesimal amounts of sugar in my mother’s mashed potatoes or accidentally ate a chocolate chip in an otherwise sugarless Lara Bar, I have been successfully avoiding refined sugars for four months now.  At home, the only sweeteners I use are dates, molasses, honey and maple syrup.  Away from home, I’m careful to avoid any sweets, and generally try to avoid eating any savory foods that might contain sugar. 

Here are some of my early impressions of this shift in my diet.

Weight loss.  I lost ten pounds in the first three months.  This was not my goal in cutting sugars out of my diet.  I never felt that I was overweight, and didn’t feel the need to get rid of any extra pounds.  But the weight loss was the natural result of reduction of sugar in my diet as well as increasing the quality of the foods I eat, and subsequently reducing the quantity.  I feel more nourished and satisfied with less volume, simply because I’m no longer feeding the insatiable appetite for sugar.

Mood improvement.  Before I cut out refined sugar, my life was a daily emotional roller coaster, and sugar was my anti-depressant.  I’d feel good after meals, but feel lethargic and moody a while later.  I’d eat some chocolate or a muffin to perk myself up.  These days that sugar roller coaster is much less pronounced.  I do still like to have snacks between meals, but I don’t experience the same extremes of lethargy and emotional lowness that I did before.

Energy.  Because I get more bang for my buck with food – meaning that I get better quality nourishment even with smaller quantities of food – I have noticed that I have more energy.  Not only do I no longer have that energy roller coaster of sugar highs and lows, but my body is being fueled by better fuel.  I have a steadier stream of energy throughout the day.

Change of taste.  Four months in to this refined-sugar free life, I shudder to think of the days when an open bag of marshmallows was a temptation.  The idea of eating a handful of candy corns makes me a little nauseous.  The other day I ate a very sweet banana and felt it was overwhelming.  My tolerance for sweetness has decreased, and things I would have considered inedible months ago are now wonderfully tasty – Ginger tea with only a little honey, for example.  If you combine this reduced tolerance for sugar, which leads to finding certain foods nauseatingly sweet, with the fact that I feel better and have more energy, maybe you can understand why I felt bad for my coworker who showed me pity when she learned that I don’t eat sugar.

My relationship with food.  I never thought of my eating habits as a relationship before.  But this experience has forced me to get to know my food in a way I never realized was possible or could be important.  Instead of just arbitrarily eating whatever is in front of me, I now carefully choose foods based on ingredients.  Sugar is so ubiquitous that I’m quite limited in what I can buy, but I’m finding more and more wonderfully decadent and delicious options that are easy to make at home from simple, whole ingredients. 

Pain.  Unfortunately, there has not been any perceptible change in my pain levels resulting from this change in diet.  I initially embarked on this adventure to see if it would help to mitigate my chronic pain problem.  It hasn’t.  But I can honestly say that it’s worth it anyway.  The other benefits (listed above) have improved my general outlook to the degree that even if the physical pain remains the same, my ability to live with that pain has improved.  Cooking healthy, nourishing foods has become a fun hobby that can distract me from pain.  Having more energy means I can bear up better under the stress of working and living with pain.  Being healthier means my body is stronger and more resilient, even in pain.  Having steadier and more positive mood means that pain doesn’t bowl me under as frequently as it used to. 

So for now, even if my original hopes remain unfulfilled, I’m going to stick with this crazy diet.

Mint Chocolate Covered Patties

Today was a super painful day.  I had a bad night after my chiropractor appointment yesterday; kept waking up with a stiff / numb / sore arm and neck.  Then I overslept - which was so nice.  But oversleeping can destroy my back.  I usually live to regret that extra hour or so.  Today I slept in a full three hours!  So nice and cozy, but so dangerously bad for my day.

Before lunch I wrestled my snow tires (complete with rims) out of the basement of my landlord's barn and packed them into my car.  Later I scrubbed the bathroom floor and everything else.  The pain was really distracting and terrible, even as I sat and wrote a leisurely letter to a friend in Europe.  This idyllic snowy December day was kind of a nightmare.  

What's the solution to a nightmare day? 

Chocolate.  Dark chocolate.  

These tasty treats contain no refined sugars!  In fact, check out the short list of healthy ingredients: 

     The patties consist of: Dates, walnuts, cocoa powder, and coconut oil.
     The chocolate contains: Bakers Chocolate, coconut oil, maple syrup, and peppermint extract.

Yes, making these tiny nuggets of joy ruined my back even more.  But at least I was able to rest a couple of times, and at least my food processor made short work of some of the steps.  Find the recipe here.  (Her photography is much better than mine.)

So so yummy.

Celebration

I don’t think there are many of you out there who actually read this blog, so maybe it’s silly to apologize for such a long silence.  I’ve been a little busy with work and Thanksgiving, and I’ve been feeling pretty blah about things as I’ve continued to live with a pain problem that seems to have no real solution. 

But in the interest of attempting to be positive in these shortening days, with the approach of winter and the continuation of chronic pain issues, let me just fill you in on some of the big accomplishments of the last few weeks that are worthy of celebration.

I changed my timing belt.

That’s right.  On my car.  A friend from work helped me do it.  It took us 8 ½ hours, and then another hour or so the next day to fix a slight oil leak resulting from mis-aligning a gasket on the valve cover. 

I was in a ton of pain through the whole process, but I learned a lot and managed to save a few hundred dollars by doing the labor myself.   This was a big confidence builder.

I’m perfecting a bread baking routine.

My sister gave me a really simple, no-knead bread recipe.  It’s so easy that I’ve baked a loaf of bread every few days since I got over the initial inertia.  And the bread tastes great, toasts well, and keeps long enough that even as a single lady I can eat it all before it gets moldy.   It’s also simple and easy enough that I don’t mind sharing it!  I’ll share the recipe here eventually. 

Baking your own bread is another one of those things in life that builds confidence and makes you feel connected to reality in some way.  People have been baking bread in their homes for thousands of years, and it feels good to join the ranks.  It feels even better for it to be a simple, relatively painless process for someone like me who struggles with low-energy and high-pain. 

I bought a really nice food processor.

That’s right.  I splurged.  The old food processor that my sister gave me just wasn’t cutting it.  It couldn’t handle certain heavy jobs like pureeing dates.  If I’m to continue to avoid refined sugar, dates are going to be a big part of my dessert life.  So I bought a beast of a machine – from the Cuisinart Elite collection.  This thing can do anything. 

I contributed to Thanksgiving dessert over-indulgence.

Using my new food processor, I added to the glut of pies and desserts at Thanksgiving this year.  I made a Vegan and Refined-Sugar-Free Chocolate Cream Pie, some No-Bake PumpkinCookie Balls (with butternut puree instead of pumpkin), and some Almond-DateTruffles.  All turned out even more delicious than I’d originally fantasized. 

It’s a big deal for me to contribute to Thanksgiving feasts.  I normally leave all the work up to my much more capable brother and mother.  This year I knew I’d need to bring my own sugar free desserts if I was going to get anything sweet.  And it turned out to be another little victory in my battle against pain and lethargy.  Yeah, it hurt to do all the work, but some things are worthwhile.

I’m getting kefir grains!!!

I’m so excited about this.  I caught my new chiropractor (more on him later, maybe) showing off some kefir grains to the receptionist, and he ended up offering to give me some of the grains when I go to see him next.  I’m so excited to try to make my own kefir.  Once I figure it out, I’ll fill you in on how it goes. 

Squash Puree

This is a laborious process, but I think it’s worthwhile, since it’s a great thing to do if you have any plans to do any baking that requires pumpkin or squash puree.  Rather than buy the canned stuff (which I admit requires far fewer steps), you can get yourself a few butternut squashes.

Cut the squashes (any winter squash, really) in half, take out the seeds, and bake – open side down – in the oven or microwave until tender.  Then scoop out the flesh.  After it cools a little, use the food processor to puree it until smooth. 

Freeze in small containers for later use.

Ok, you’re right, it’s a lot of work.  I’ll admit that doing this little project hurt my back a lot, and was probably not worth it.  But the squash was free, and I have a lot of plans to make pumpkinny recipes this winter.  

Savory Zucchini Quick Bread

Oddly enough, I’m finding that it’s been hardest to find savory snack options that don’t contain refined sugars.  Sweet things are easy; you can use honey, molasses, maple syrup, or dates to sweeten a lot of things.  Dried fruit or a handful of nuts can be a great snack.  But when you’re craving something salty, your options are limited – especially if you’re trying to avoid salted nuts because you already eat too many nuts as it is.  Crackers, yeast breads, flat breads, etc, all can contain sugar. 

Desperate, I did a Google search for savory quick breads, and I found a few that really piqued my interest.  Among several really tasty looking options, I found this recipe for a savory summer squash bread.  It turned out to be ideal on a lot of levels.  Number one, there was no sugar in the recipe, so there was no need for substitutions.  Most of the ingredients are things I usually have on hand, and summer squash is generally easy to find.  I also found that this recipe could be tackled in clear steps, which was ideal.  I was in a crap-ton of pain the day I tried it, so I was able to pause a few times to rest on the floor before moving on to the next step.  (Oftentimes recipes are kind of time-sensitive, and you have to move efficiently through certain stages or everyone will die; those recipes tend to be stressful and painful for me, since I can’t stop and rest when I need to, and I end up pushing through till I’m half-delirious with pain.)

The original recipe called for only all-purpose flour, but I decided to use half all-purpose and half whole-wheat, because I’m a hippie wannabe but not experienced enough with whole-wheat flour to know if using it exclusively would ruin my life.

Three tasty savory mini-loaves.

I would warn you to be careful if you’re doing this in a single loaf pan.  I used three mini loaf pans, which makes me think that trying to use all the batter in one 9 x 5 pan would produce an ugly, bulging monstrosity.  The batter does rise a little bit, so use your brain skills. 

Savory Zucchini Quick Bread

¼ cup olive oil

1 cup all-purpose flour

1 cup whole wheat flour

¼ cup finely ground yellow cornmeal

2 tsp baking powder

1 ¼ tsp dried oregano

½ tsp salt (additional ¼ tsp for draining the squash, see note below)

½ tsp baking soda

½ tsp ground black pepper

2 eggs

¾ cups butter milk*

2 cups (about 1 pound) shredded zucchini / summer squash**

2/3 cups finely crumbled feta cheese

* It’s always annoying to have such small quantities of buttermilk in a recipe, because you usually have to buy it in bigger packages.  I just put a bottom-full of white vinegar in the measuring cup and fill the rest up with milk, thus making my own buttermilk.

Shredded squash waiting to be squeezed in cheesecloth

**Shredded zucchini can be very moist, so I used a cheesecloth to squeeze as much of the liquid out of it as I could.  I sprinkled some salt on it and let the shredded squash sit for a few minutes before squeezing it.  I also cut the salt quantity for the batter down from ¾ tsp to ½ tsp, because I added this extra salt to the zucchini to extricate some of the fluid.  

Method:

Mix dry ingredients and set aside.

Mix eggs, buttermilk and olive oil in a separate bowl; whisk until smooth.

Use a rubber spatula to fold in the shredded & drained zucchini and the feta cheese into the egg mixture. 

Pour the wet mixture into the dry mixture and stir / fold until the flour becomes incorporated.  Don’t over mix.

Dump the batter into oiled / sprayed loaf pan or mini loaf pans (or muffin tins!), leveling out the batter and flattening.  Bake at 350° until golden brown or until toothpick comes out clean.  (About 30 min for mini-loaves, 60 min for full loaf, much less for muffins...) 

As always, I froze most of mine for later.  This bread is delicious and makes a great snack – lightly toasted is amazing!  I bring it to work and toast it in the toaster oven for a tiny bit of time.

Ropes & Stones

After only five visits, she gave up on me.

Actually, that might be putting it a little harshly.  She didn’t exactly “give up on me.”  She just said she was out of ideas and didn’t know how to help me, and that I could schedule more appointments, but all she could do was try to massage the knots out of my shoulder blades ~~ knots that she said were like ropes and stones buried beneath the skin of my upper back ~~ knots that didn’t go away after five weeks of physical therapy like she expected ~~ knots that bucked her off when she dug her elbows into them, throwing her off balance.

You may remember a recent post in which I wrote about the emotional roller coaster of searching for remedies for my chronic pain.  One thing I can say about this particular ride: at least it was short.  It took a year for the spine specialist to advise me to give up – actually, his words were “to throw your hands up,” and “get on with your life.”  At least this physical therapist only needed five weeks to realize she was in over her head. 

If it sounds like I’m totally discouraged and depressed, I’m really not.  While the pain can be frustrating and debilitating at times, I’ve really pretty much gotten used to it.  I mean, it’s been there every day for twenty years or so.  Continuing to live with it is far from the worst thing that could happen. 

Anyway.  That’s my update.  If you ever need to borrow a rope, I always keep a few on hand in my shoulder blade region.  Just need to figure out how to get them out…

Banana – Sweet Potato – Chocolate Pudding

Ever have one of those days when you arrive home after a painful and exhausting day at work with little energy to fix a meal and only a random assortment of foods in the fridge?  Well, it happens to me all the time.  But for once, I resisted the temptation to find take-out on the way home, and I improvised with the contents of my fridge.

For dinner I had boiled eggs.  I figured it would be easier to clean up afterwards if I cooked them in their shells. 

“Dessert” was really part of the meal.  It was sweet, for sure, but you can’t shake your head disapprovingly at these nutrient rich ingredients.  I had a baked sweet potato, some bananas, and a cupboard full of baking necessities.  Here’s what I did:

Banana – Sweet Potato – Chocolate Pudding:

1 baked sweet potato – peeled and diced.

1 (or more) banana

a tiny bit of milk

4 Tbs cocoa powder

I whipped everything together in the food processor, added the cocoa powder toward the end, and waited till it gave me a nice pudding-like consistency. 

Who says you can’t have dessert for supper?

Energy: An Unrealistic Luxury

Very seldom do moments of inspiration and energy coincide with opportunities to get things done around the house.  In the morning as I go through my routine preparing to head off to work, I notice that the bathroom sink needs to be cleaned or the beans in the cupboard rearranged.  I make a mental note to do the work when I get home, but at the end of the day I am drained and want only to lie on the floor and listen to Elliott Smith until bedtime.  Another day passes and the sink is still dirty and the cupboard in chaos. 

If this goes on long enough, the little tasks accumulate.  Each moment in the apartment I am haunted by the mocking sneers of tasks undone.  Weren’t you going to take out the compost?  Shouldn’t you have dusted the sills?  Look at all the crumbs under the toaster! 

Some things I have learned.  One of them is this: Energy is an unrealistic luxury in a life of chronic pain.  Sometimes you just have to do stuff anyway.  Other times you need to let yourself off the hook.

I’ve found that some tasks around the house really only take a few minutes, and if I can just get them started despite the pain and lethargy I feel, they get done rather quickly.  I can wipe down the bathroom sink in a minute or so.  Once it’s clean, it no longer taunts me with accusations.  I feel a load lift from my shoulders.  Wiping down the kitchen counters and stovetop after washing the dishes keeps that voice silent.  I can vacuum while the clothes are in the washer, in such a small apartment that takes only a few minutes.

Other times, I’m just too discouraged, in too much pain, or too tired to do much more than brush my teeth before bed.  On those days, the dust and grime accumulate.  Sometimes I have the presence of mind to talk back to the heckling dust bunnies; sometimes it’s okay to leave work undone for another day.  Other days I let it get to me; I let it make me feel inferior to the women with spotless houses – like I am fundamentally flawed and weak – like there is no point in trying – like I’ll never be able to keep a nice house – like I ought to have a cleaning lady but can’t afford one – like I’m doomed to live in squalor forever.

Two days ago I scrubbed the toilet.  Today I took out the spray bottle and cleaned up the sink.  For now my head is above water. 

Quitter Chronicles #5: The Cleanse

 Ok, so the cleanse didn’t work out like I expected.

I had grand plans for this.  Initially, I wanted to go several days without any food at all, drinking only water, and letting all the icky stuff get flushed out of my system.  Then I would gradually start phasing in foods.  I would start with only fruits and vegetables, slowly adding starches, oils, dairy and meat.  The final stage of the process would be (after a few weeks) to begin eating sweet stuff again, but sweet stuff sweetened with natural raw sweeteners. 

On August 24, I ate my normal breakfast and lunch, but I skipped dinner.   I had every intention of going without food for at least five days before beginning to phase in simple stuff.  But on the evening of the 25^th, I caved.  I woke up in the middle of the night feeling super jittery and faint.  It seemed weird that I would wake up from slumber only to pass out.  After this happened a few times, I finally got up and stuffed my face with a handful of almonds, some cheddar cheese, and a spoonful of peanut butter. 

Boy was I glad I’d taken the preliminary steps of cleaning out my pantry of sugary stuff, because I guarantee you I would have gone for banana bread or something.  

So, at this point, it seemed silly and perhaps reckless to try to do an extended fast.  Instead of fretting about giving up on the harsh cleanse plan, I just began my refined-sugar free life on August 25.  I had eggs for breakfast that morning, and some tea with honey. 

Eggs, Baskets, and Roller Coasters

When it comes to treating my chronic upper back pain, I have learned not to put my eggs in any baskets.  For nearly 20 years my back has hurt just about every day.  For over eight years I have been seeking help from medical professionals.  In the past two years, I have tried a couple of physical therapists, message therapy, anti-inflammatories, steroids, anesthetic patches, a TENS unit, cortisone injections, neck traction, shoe inserts, and a special diet.  Thus far the pain has remained pretty much unchanged: nagging, depressing, and often quite debilitating; like an abusive Siamese twin.

With every new doctor or physical therapist, I’ve ridden the same roller coaster of ups and downs.  On the first visit, we chat about my pain experiences, they look over my spine, they notice the slight curvature and uneven pelvis, they point out the protracted shoulder blades, and they come up with what seems like a very logical explanation for the pain and suggest what sounds like a very simple and achievable solution.

At first I’m super encouraged that “this one” truly understands me and I’ve finally found someone who can help.  I faithfully and zealously do my exercises, taking copious notes about all the nuances of my pain.  Weeks turn into months as I obsess over the details of my stretches and the location, intensity, and persistence of my pain.  But there is no change. 

This month, I started seeing another new physical therapist.  She’s got some serious credentials and a lot of expertise.  Talking to her, I can tell she really knows her stuff. She’s fascinated by my atypical symptoms and curvature, and she’s up for the challenge of finding a solution.  Could this be the one?

While she’s finding the same structural problems in my skeleton that previous doctors have seen, she’s suggesting a new plan of attack.  Her reasoning sounds entirely plausible.  Could she be the one?

Forgive me for lacking optimism.  Most of my eggs were shattered in previous baskets, so I’m leery of entrusting the remaining ones to any container, no matter how appealing it may be to do so.  I admit that this woman’s approach seems very promising.  And while I’m in her office being worked on, I feel like she’s making a difference.  But I also thought that I’d found the solution eight years ago at the first place I went to.  And it seemed that two years ago we were really on to something.  And last year’s cortisone injections seemed like a sure solution.  And everybody raves about those TENS devices.

I guess it’s just hard to fight the combined effect of disappointment and fear of more disappointment.  I want to be optimistic and hopeful.  But I’ve been let down so many times – abandoned and left with this abusive Siamese twin – that I simply can’t convince myself to expect anything good.

When I try to be optimistic, I only feel like I’m deceiving myself.  Like making a birthday wish you know will never come true, I just don’t have much hope in the power of optimism.  This time, this physical therapist may be able to help me.  But I won’t believe it for real until I see it for real.  Try as I may to muster up the positive vibes, I just can’t be sincere about it.  I’m keeping my eggs in my hands while I ride this roller coaster one more time.

We’ll see.  I’llkeep you posted.

Quitter Chronicles: #4 : Phase In

As my stock of foods containing sugar began to dwindle, I started to phase in sugar-free foods and foods sweetened with unrefined sugar. 

Mainly this involved taking care to buy the usual groceries but sticking to options lacking sugar.  For instance, tortilla wraps.  Most brands that I looked at contained high-fructose corn syrup, but I managed to find a couple of brands that didn’t have any sugar listed in the ingredients. 

I also started to make more stuff from scratch, to stock up for when I would need them.  I made hummus and tomato soup and threw them in the freezer.  Instead of buying granola bars, I bought almonds to keep on hand for snacks.  I bought more fruit and veggies that I could conveniently eat raw. 

I wanted to wait until I’d truly begun to live refined-sugar-free before I started eating sweets that were sweetened with raw sugars.  But in preparation, I found some dark chocolate sweetened with raw sugars, and I found a few recipes for desserts that I could make with honey or molasses. 

Basically, my point is that in the weeks leading up to my sugar cleanse, I started easing into a life without sugar.  Simple enough, but I thought I’d tell you, just to tell you.

Famous Last Words

Every so often, around 2 or 3pm, I look at the clock and think, “Huh, I haven’t had too much pain today.”  These are famous last words in my life.  It seems inevitable that about ten minutes after I utter them, the pain begins creeping and settling into my upper back and shoulders. 

Usually grocery shopping is agony for me; all the standing, browsing, carrying unbalanced loads, reading ingredients lists in search of those pesky sugars.  A few months ago, after repeatedly finding myself near tears in the checkout line, I learned that I should always use a shopping cart, regardless of how little I plan to buy.  Shopping carts carry the unbalanced loads without straining my back, and they make good supports when I need to lean on something for a while. 

A few weeks ago I spent about 20 minutes at the supermarket.  I was feeling good enough that I spent some time doing recognizance on natural sweeteners and ingredients lists.  When I got to my car (with my cart) I was pretty amazed at how little pain I was feeling after so long in the store.

Then I got home to my pile of tomatoes, basil and onions, prepared to spend a few hours making a vat of Creamy Tomato Soup.   I started the work of blanching the tomatoes to prepare them to be diced and peeled.  Then I went to work on dicing them and preparing the onions.  After about 15 minutes of work, I thought, “Huh, all this work and I’m not in any pain yet.  Must be a good day.”

Oops.

Then it started. 

Gradually the burning sensation grew stronger and stronger as I added ingredients to the pot.  As the soup was cooking, I went about cleaning up the dishes, knives and cutting boards from preparation, and the pain increased.  I wiped down the counters and limped into the living room where I sprawled out on the hardwood floor watching the clock as the soup simmered. 

The next step was to puree the soup in small batches.  This turned out to be an ordeal.  For all my excitement about owning a food processor, I was not prepared for how messy, disorganized and frustrating this part would be.  In order to dump out the bowl, I had to remove the stubborn blade, splashing soup down the hole and on the spindle.  Wiping down the food processor between batches, ladling the soup into the bowl, removing the bowl and dumping the pureed soup into another bowl, each step sent fire through my muscles. 

Step by step this continued.  I transferred the pureed soup back to the pot, added the milk and tomato paste, and whisked it together. 

By the time I finished transferring the soup into zipper bags, rinsing and labeling them, and stacking them in the freezer, I could hardly believe how much pain I was experiencing.  I finished up washing the dishes and wiping down the counters – I have an ant infestation in my house, so I need to clean things up promptly, otherwise I would have curled up in a ball at this point or earlier – and again I hobbled over to my favorite spot on the hardwood floor.  It was hard even to get down there to rest. 

Looking up at the skylights, feeling the breeze from the windows, sensing some relief from the burning sensation in my shoulder blades, I tried to think of how good it would be after a long day’s work to come home and eat some of that tasty, homemade tomato soup with a slice of bread and maybe some cheese, and I made a mental note to choose easier recipes in the future.  (I bet I'll forget, though.)

Quitter Chronicles: #3 : The Slow Purge

Slow Purge.

After spending a few days making mental notes of all the foods I ate that contained refined sugar, I decided the next step would be to begin to slowly purge my house of this sweet menace.  All those foods in my pantry containing sugar would have to go.  But I neither wanted to toss them nor give them away – they cost me a lot of money, and there were a lot of them! 

In my mind, the first logical step was to avoid purchasing anything containing refined sugar – at least significant quantities of such items.  I stopped buying granola bars, pasta sauces, crackers, salad dressings, etc.  By refraining from adding sugary foods to my stockpile, I figured it would be much easier to focus on ridding my cupboards of the stuff that was already there.

The second step was to use what I had.  I began to widdle away at the banana bread and muffins I’d so wisely frozen.  The sweet and sour sauce I bought for emergencies went into a stir-fry.  The remaining granola bars got packed in my work snack stash.  Even the sausage in my freezer went in a quiche, and the Italian sausage stew I made served it’s purpose as a convenient meal.  I even managed to finish off my Swiss Miss hot chocolate in the month of July.  And yes, I will confess that I binged on “m&m’s” that I had bought on sale after Easter. 

At first this process seemed really daunting.  I had a lot of sugary stuff to get rid of and was mildly afraid of putting on a few pounds in my efforts to eat it all before I started my cleanse.   Seemed counterproductive.  But, first of all, I don’t think I ended up eating much more sugar in those weeks than I normally did when I wasn’t concerned about sugar.  And secondly, as the weeks passed, the task became more encouraging because I saw that my supply of sugary stuff was dwindling markedly. 

In the end I did end up giving away a bunch of stuff like raspberry jam and Marshmallow Fluff.  And, sadly, I ended up donating a good amount of Cadbury eggs and Hershey Kisses to my coworkers.  But with a few days remaining before my scheduled start for my sugar cleanse, my pantry and freezer were clear of high-fructose corn syrup and white sugar. 

End of Day Cooking

Lying on the living room floor after work, in my mind I walk through the steps involved in making the quiche I’ve been putting off all week.  I’ll have to cut up the sausage, whisk the eggs, thaw the spinach, and shred the cheese.  I’ll have to wash the dishes and wipe down the counters afterward.  I’m pretty sure the compost bucket is full; afterwards I should bring that out. 

Here on the floor it seems like too much to bear.  All those steps.  All that standing.  All those details. 

I wanted to make quiche because I imagined it would be simple and quick.  The sausage needs to get used up, and it’s been out of the freezer for a few days.  Time’s-a-wasting.  It would be good to get this done and out of the way. 

One.  Two.  Three.  I hoist myself up and move into the kitchen.  Mechanically I go through the steps: chopping, shredding, assembling, whisking – – Ignore the burning in your shoulder blade – – I cut corners on the fresh herbs because I just don’t have the stamina to deal with them.  Not noticing the size of the holes in the peppershaker, I pour way too much into the egg mixture.  I swear out loud.  Add another egg and a little more milk – – Ignore the tingling numbness in your arm – – I pour the eggs over the rest – – Just a few more minutes and you can lie down again – – Into the oven it goes – – The home stretch.

Wait.  Ants!  I should probably wash the dishes and wipe down the counters before the ants come out in droves to scavenge among my dirty dishes – – Ignore the stabbing in your ribcage – – Water in the basin, I soak and scrub the knives and forks and bowls and cutting board – – Just a little longer and you can lie down.

Dishes washed, counters cleared, quiche in oven, I seek refuge on the hardwood floor and stare at the ceiling for a few seconds before curling up on my left side, and wait. 

Quitter Chronicles: #2 : Inventory

Inventory.

After deciding to try to cut refined sugars out of my diet, I spent a couple of days paying attention to what I ate.  I did this very casually with no extensive notes or anything like that.  I just made mental notes of the foods in my pantry that contained sugar. 

Some were surprising.  Pasta sauce and salsa.  Vitamin C and Calcium supplements.  Half & Half.  Salty crackers. 

Some were obvious.  Granola bars.  Peanut butter cups.  Sweet & sour sauce. 

Then I paid attention to stuff I ate at restaurants, or things that people at work shared with me.  Probably that dressing on that salad at that restaurant has sugar.  That cupcake my coworker made definitely did.  I wonder about the dough on that pizza.

Step one in my sugar cleanse was merely to think about sugar and where it lurks.  It was eye opening, and afterwards I felt a little better equipped for the road ahead.

Quitter Chronicles: #1 : Counting Costs

Counting Costs.

When I first had the idea to give up refined sugars, I was excited and eager to get going.  But I knew that sugar had been such a powerful and ubiquitous force in my life, and that I couldn’t embark on a refined-sugar-free life without putting a lot of thought and energy into it. 

For starters, I was addicted.  Giving up sugars would mean withdrawal, lethargy, mood-swings, continuous hunger.  Did I really want to go through all that?

I’ve never had any allergies and have always prided myself on being able (and willing) to eat anything that’s put in front of me – a point of pride that was tested to the max when I was living in Southwest China in the mid-2000’s.  I rarely read nutritional labels, I just ate whatever I wanted, or whatever I had to eat.  Giving up refined sugar meant I would need to adopt a level of vigilance about foods I purchased, foods I let people serve me, and meals I ordered at restaurants that was going to be entirely new to me.  This was not to be taken lightly.

Eating refined-sugar-free meant that I would have to do a lot more cooking, and probably from scratch.  I usually cooked simple meals anyway, and didn’t rely too much on highly processed, prepackaged stuff, but this was still going to be a big adjustment.  Living with chronic pain, cooking has been one of the hardest things for me to do.  All the shopping, standing, chopping, and washing can ignite some of the worst pain I know of in my upper back.  Refined-sugar-free meant that I would need to spend a lot more time doing this most painful activity.

I would also have to be much more careful about what I eat away from home.  What if I’m invited to someone’s house for dinner and everything contains sugar?  What if I went out to a restaurant and there weren’t any clear sugar-free options?  I’d never dealt with a dietary restriction before, would I be able to adjust to avoiding something so ubiquitous as sugar?

But then I considered the benefits.  If white sugar truly does increase muscle pain, as I’ve read in numerous places, maybe the cooking wouldn’t be so traumatic, maybe it would be worth it.  Besides, while using raw sweeteners like honey and maple syrup might cost a little more money, wouldn’t I save money overall by not being free to buy that muffin with my coffee or that candy bar at the check out?  Wouldn’t I probably end up healthier in the end, pain relief or no? 

I counted some of the costs, and decided it was worth a try.  Time will tell if it is worth it, and if I have what it takes to follow through with this crazy scheme – which is truly not so crazy.